9.21.09 1 AM

Here I am again.
avoiding bed,
avoiding you.
Trying to distract myself from where I am.
Even with things of you.

It is so easy to daydream
to think nothing-thoughts
set loose my head
a balloon floating far from pain
as my body grinds to a halt.

You've asked for my heart undivided
and my mind attached
How often I cut my head off
and hand it to you instead.

"Create in me a new heart, a whole heart!"
the Psalmist said.
And you gave him one of yours.
Can I have one too?
I want this new life, whole life, full life, feel life.
I want life with rest and life with you.
Life with heart and head both.

Help me climb down my string!
Help me endure how I feel!
Save me from distraction, avoidance, numbness!
Save me from nothingness and rot.
Let me change
Let me love
Let me feel real
even if that means
rainy crying days
cold lonely scary nights
no energy except anger
bitter frozen fury and deep sadness
while bones shift and set
and muscles knit under skin
until spring.