In my weakness

I emerge from my thoughts in front of the meat section. I have been staring at the packaged hamburger patties long enough to be shivering without seeing them at all. I do not move. At least while I am shivering, I must breathe. I briefly try to remember what I was trying to decide-- red meat or white? but this reminds me of other choices that I must make soon and I am plunged back into the pool of my anxiety.

It is hard to tell what I am anxious about, really. I am mostly aware of a pressure on my chest, a knot through which each draw of air must travel and an intensity to my emotions that reveals there is adrenaline in my blood. My worries will not sit still long enough to be surrendered. I attempt to drag them to the foot of the cross, but they tumble out of my grasp and buzz around my ceiling each time I approach the door.

I can briefly identify the ones that I manage to catch, and they span a bewildering range. My performance at work, my faithfulness to God's daily callings, my transition from school to work, finding a job, where to live, how to proceed in relationships, which social opportunities to pursue, my failure to keep my eyes on Jesus and not on myself..... I am perversely relieved that they are not all of one type. Perhaps I can conclude that I am still within God's will in these areas, and this is merely a generalized anxiety attack. Yet I cannot see where I have left my sword in the midst of the hovering worries and all the feathers they are shedding. I collapse on the floor, staring blankly at the ceiling. Words glitter back at me from behind the flurry of anxious thoughts: "The Lord is Sovereign". They remind me that I knew once that Jesus himself would not wait for me to climb up His hill, but would drag these worries out Himself. He just might do it again. And maybe He will help me find my sword and freshen the paint on the ceiling. I hope that it is dinnertime soon because He has promised to sup with me if I will open the door. This hope reminds me where I am.

I emerge from my thoughts in front of the meat section. I choose chicken and smile. I still feel anxious, but I do not need to stay frozen and miserable before a wall of hamburger patties. I wander off in search of fruit.