I do not want to lose my oldest friend.

I worried some today about my friendship with N. How could another man be comfortable with our friendship, knowing how many times I've come back to being in love with him? Especially if the reason that we don't get together this time is only on N's side.

It took quite a bit to make G actually comfortable with the idea of N, and he even had a comparable relationship with K.

Mom said, "Either God will bring N around to seeing this your way or He will send you someone who will also love N and will be very confident and secure."

I can't even imagine what it would be like to be with someone that confident and secure, but my feeble inklings are wondrous to behold.

I must wait and follow God closely, allowing Him to change me in the ways that He has planned, to form me into the B He dreams of, and to be patient on His good timing and plans. He will bring to pass what He plans, and He will do it in the best way.

I really am in the waiting room-- I am waiting for job offers, waiting for plans for trips and gifts to come through, waiting to move into the new place, waiting for God's revelation of who I am to be, waiting for these wounds to heal. Waiting to discover what reasons and motives I may have for returning to school, waiting to see when that will be and what I will do. Waiting for warm weather to return, waiting for my body to get itself back together. Waiting for N to make up his mind, and waiting to see where he goes and what he does. Waiting to see E again, waiting to visit Chicago. Waiting for marriage and family, waiting for many people around me to have softened hearts and waiting for them to begin listening to God in different ways. Waiting to have enough time.