I dreamed about you last night. We don't even know each other yet, but I'm worried about your heart. I want to leave it in better condition than I found it in. It was an anxious dream and I'm afraid I've already led you to a point where I must at least disappoint you. I am in love with someone else-- someone I've spent half my life in love with. Someone that doesn't love me back the same way. In so many ways I would rather just stubbornly cling to my dreams of him, but I don't think that is what I am to do right now. I hope I will be able to get to know you without leading you on or hurting anyone. I practiced what I might say to you in the mirror:
I blushed, smiled wryly, looked you straight in the eyes and admitted, "I can't actually date anyone right now. Let's just get to know each other."
In my mind, you agreed maybe, but asked something related to why. I answered,
"I'm in love with my best friend. He doesn't love me back, but until I have a whole heart to offer, I have no business taking pieces of anyone else's."
I imagined silence at this point, a question unasked but lingering in the air.
"I wanted to get coffee with you to get to know you better." I smiled at you. "You are so cute, and you seem sweet, and you are certainly interesting enough to be worth knowing. I've enjoyed our conversations so far, and who knows? Maybe I'll find that you are even more amazing than my best friend and I'll fall for you instead."
I had no idea how you might react to this, but it occurred to me at this point in my monologue, that maybe you aren't looking for my heart. In which case I gave you both a smile and an eyebrow and asked why you were wasting my time. I was cute about it, to keep it from being awkward, but I let you sweat it out a bit too, and watched you sputter for a minute before I changed the subject. You are cute when you sputter, and in this scenario I felt better because I was not in danger of breaking your heart in the end. Of course, this scenario wouldn't happen because someone who sputters about wasting my time is not slick enough to try and pull off mere hookups in the first place.
And here I am, dreaming more about talking to you when I don't know you. Yet I do not dream mostly of you. I looked forward to a call from my friend all day, and have dreamed of a future with him all week. Heart, where are you? What are you thinking? Stay in one piece! I am so much better but still so close to being a mess.
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