Tidbits

Two weeks ago on Thursday, I was blissfully happy for ten minutes. I was at work, back in the kitchen alone and unbothered. I was listening to Band of Horses and baking a quiche, swaying with the music and the motion of my whisk. Totally content to be exactly where I was, lost in thoughts of eggplant and herbs and olives and ratios of egg to cream.

On Sunday I was utterly miserable and defeated for 45 seconds. I had gotten little sleep, had an emotional and convicting worship time at church, felt like a failure for not having gotten there early and therefore having needed to bring the tree-project home with me (which is three bags and another story.) I was breathing hard when I made it up the stairs and almost dropped everything trying to get my key out to unlock my door. It didn't work. I tried again, it still didn't work. My electric lock was blinking at me like it didn't even recognize my key. What am I to do with that?! Forty-five seconds of utter defeat and despair-- life is too much for me and I can't do it, I'm just going to collapse here and cry myself into oblivion--until I realized that I was on the wrong floor. One more flight of stairs and my key worked just fine. I went straight to bed and sleep soundly for four hours.

My free thoughtspace has been spent wrestling with God. Revelations slowly surfacing in proverbial form:

The time it takes to heal your heart has nothing to do with love received and everything to do with love given; the more and longer and better the love, the longer it will take.

I haven't ever been "bouncing" from what life has handed me; I have been absorbing, and now I am at capacity. It's wringing time.

I have, and should use, the utter right to change my mind about who I want much as I please until I have not one, no, but two rings on that special finger on my left hand. No honor binds me to a man who does not treat me well until I have actually said, "I do" to "for worse".

This season is going to take a while. In fact, it is going to last at least as long as it takes for me to learn how to say "No" to others without feeling guilty and "No" to myself without feeling self-pity. Probably it will last until I believe I am valuable simply because Christ loves me. Perhaps until I truly and deeply trust God.