Twenty-second birthday, Part 2

I was given a spectacular birthday gift by God this year. I turned twenty-two, which is lovely in itself, but God also replaced some significant pieces of my heart.
Twenty-two, young though it may be, was a trigger age for me. Unmarried at twenty-two meant that I would officially be the oldest bride in my direct ancestry, if I even got married. Most of the women I descend from were married at age twenty-one, if not younger. Ridiculous as worrying about it seems, this fact made it time to really dig into God, marriage, Paul the Apostle and singleness. I decided I was not alright with having mini-crises at every birthday (or even every few months) for the rest of my life about when my husband was going to show up. It came down to trust-- I needed to know: could Jesus really be enough for me? Just Jesus? Even at 25? Even at 30? Even at 40? Could His Love be satisfactory, without providing someone to give hugs or sleep next to? Could His Joy be satisfying in a life where I never again have sex? Could His Plans keep me satisfied when they bear me no children?
Thunder did not strike, Lightning did not fall. I did not have to hurl my fists at the heavens or scream at my Maker. My tantrum was merely tenacious honesty-- an owning of the state of my heart, humble before heaven. I did not insist that God answer my questions on my time. On the contrary, I believed it would take years to get this issue sorted out. All I did was to persistently request that we figure it out, and that it be kept on the agenda of growth, albeit slowly, until complete.

God did not have to honor or answer my request.
It is nothing I did that unlocked this gift for me.
I must say this because I know other women, good women, who are still struggling with this. I am not better or holier or doing something more right than they; God chose to be gracious to me.
He changed my heart within me.
And then by small and unusual means, like slowly ripping a corner, and then an edge, and then opening a flap of wrapping paper, He uncovered to me where my heart now was.
Content.
Happy to be His.
Satisfied that He is enough for me today; He was enough for me yesterday; He promises to be enough for me tomorrow. He has never broken a promise; I do believe that He will be able always to satisfy. (How He taught my heart to finally believe this is a mystery and a miracle to me!)
Enchanted with a vision of my life- a hilly adventure stretched before my eyes, under his guidance and provision with surprises and challenges and blessings and miles of road I cannot foresee.
Horrified by a spectre of my life were I to try and satisfy myself; marrying in compromise to fill loneliness and being shackled to a relationship that takes so much time and energy to maintain that I am not of much use in the kingdom. Terrified at the complexity of child-rearing, and the ease with which those little people could be damaged by me and could then damage many others.
Realizing that a man is not a life option I want. Marriage as a route is not a choice I make.
I do not need a man. I do not need a marriage.
Instead, perhaps someday I will find that God brings along my path a particular man I do need. A man that I want to marry not because I want to marry, not because I want a man along on the adventure but because I want HIM along on the adventure. A fellow pilgrim that will help me follow Christ, and to whom I will be a help-meet.

This summer, I turned twenty-two; I wore lots of dresses; and God gave me an amazing present- a new heart that knows He is enough. A new heart that trusts His plans. A new heart that finds its worth and loveliness in His love and regard. The Lord has allowed me to delight myself in Him, and He has taught my heart to desire good things and be content. Let this post stand as an Ebenezer: God has changed me forever and for good, according to His plans and timing and I am eternally grateful. May He be glorified, He is worthy!